Tag Archives: feelings

How do you lose something you never had?

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I suppose I’ve had to resort to this because there are some things you can’t talk t anyone else about. I don’t even know how to talk about this, so most of this post will probably be just me rambling.

“Wait.. shh..” He touches the wispy curls just above my forehead. This goes on for a few seconds. He smiles. I don’t know what he means by this, by anything.

That’s how I remember it started, whatever it was. I don’t know how recounting this will help, but I need to remember. It’s one of the few feelings I treasure. That was in 2007.

Next month, seven years after, you’re getting married. Like the two I’ve been fond of after you, you’ve chosen someone who has similar skills/interests. I guess that’s my weak spot? Idk. In any case you’ve always seemed happy with her. Guess I lacked a lot? Idk.

“You’ve grown up so much since then, little beach girl.” He grins.

What’s she like? You never introduced us. You’ve also been very dodgy around the time you started dating and I tried to keep up to date and tried to go to gigs despite how different it was to try in college, and while working. You stopped randomly messaging me, you stopped hugging me. You gave good hugs. I’m sure they make her happy.

“Did you read my post on your wall? Did you get it? Hehe.” That toothy grin again. He turns his back to the line of people waiting to have their stuff signed. I felt special.

It was mostly touches you gave. You said nothing to confirm how I thought you felt. You just hugged me, held me, played with my hair. You sang lines from Disney songs and always asked me to come to gigs. You must have meant something, felt something, at least one of those times. I hope.

When did we stop talking so often? Is it because I lacked the time or means to watch you any more? Or is it because you’ve become so engrossed about her?

What hurt most though was when you refused me. Later on you’d just turn away, walk away. I’d try to extend my arms, ready for a hug, like I was always used to but you’d just go. Heh. Loser much is an appropriate expression. I guess I just thought that even when whatever it was was over I’d still have a good friendship with you, with less tight but still there hugs. I expect too much, yes?

“We’re gonna go now. I’m just gonna walk my wife to her car.” He held her hand and walked away. I said goodbye, take care, and kept quiet after. She wasn’t really his wife. Now someone else will be.

The only times you acted like I was special were those times that you stopped being with her, not the current one. The one you knew before her. Was I a rebound girl? Did I just amuse you? Passing fancy? Whatever I was, whatever it was, I don’t regret having had that.

“I’ll see you again next time.. right?” He looked hopeful. Idk if he meant that.

At least you let me feel for awhile the magic she’ll get to have everyday. At least I felt for awhile that I had a fighting chance at being something special for someone so special.

“Well it’s no wonder that your name means beauty, your looks have got no parallel.” He sings, to me. The people around us giggle.

Good bye. 🙂