Category Archives: Personal

Personal experiences, diary entries, feelings outlet

How do you lose something you never had?

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I suppose I’ve had to resort to this because there are some things you can’t talk t anyone else about. I don’t even know how to talk about this, so most of this post will probably be just me rambling.

“Wait.. shh..” He touches the wispy curls just above my forehead. This goes on for a few seconds. He smiles. I don’t know what he means by this, by anything.

That’s how I remember it started, whatever it was. I don’t know how recounting this will help, but I need to remember. It’s one of the few feelings I treasure. That was in 2007.

Next month, seven years after, you’re getting married. Like the two I’ve been fond of after you, you’ve chosen someone who has similar skills/interests. I guess that’s my weak spot? Idk. In any case you’ve always seemed happy with her. Guess I lacked a lot? Idk.

“You’ve grown up so much since then, little beach girl.” He grins.

What’s she like? You never introduced us. You’ve also been very dodgy around the time you started dating and I tried to keep up to date and tried to go to gigs despite how different it was to try in college, and while working. You stopped randomly messaging me, you stopped hugging me. You gave good hugs. I’m sure they make her happy.

“Did you read my post on your wall? Did you get it? Hehe.” That toothy grin again. He turns his back to the line of people waiting to have their stuff signed. I felt special.

It was mostly touches you gave. You said nothing to confirm how I thought you felt. You just hugged me, held me, played with my hair. You sang lines from Disney songs and always asked me to come to gigs. You must have meant something, felt something, at least one of those times. I hope.

When did we stop talking so often? Is it because I lacked the time or means to watch you any more? Or is it because you’ve become so engrossed about her?

What hurt most though was when you refused me. Later on you’d just turn away, walk away. I’d try to extend my arms, ready for a hug, like I was always used to but you’d just go. Heh. Loser much is an appropriate expression. I guess I just thought that even when whatever it was was over I’d still have a good friendship with you, with less tight but still there hugs. I expect too much, yes?

“We’re gonna go now. I’m just gonna walk my wife to her car.” He held her hand and walked away. I said goodbye, take care, and kept quiet after. She wasn’t really his wife. Now someone else will be.

The only times you acted like I was special were those times that you stopped being with her, not the current one. The one you knew before her. Was I a rebound girl? Did I just amuse you? Passing fancy? Whatever I was, whatever it was, I don’t regret having had that.

“I’ll see you again next time.. right?” He looked hopeful. Idk if he meant that.

At least you let me feel for awhile the magic she’ll get to have everyday. At least I felt for awhile that I had a fighting chance at being something special for someone so special.

“Well it’s no wonder that your name means beauty, your looks have got no parallel.” He sings, to me. The people around us giggle.

Good bye. πŸ™‚

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Midweek Musings

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I have so many favorite love songs, but no one to sing them to. It’s become more and more obvious some days, and it does worry me then. I wonder (and admittedly at times envy) how some people I know have had such luck as to stumble upon such a wonderful person/opportunity, and a beautiful love blossoms out of it. I wonder if I’ll ever be as lucky, having had no one since the beginning of me. I guess it’s not all up to luck though, as many of my kind believe, maybe something/one great will come in time.

I hope you find me soon. I can’t wait.. I think. πŸ™‚

Good night! ✨

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This year’s Christmas wish list!

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For my exchange gift buddies, and for those who just wanna make my Christmas merry (hihi!), here’s my wish list for this year! β™₯

I like mostly quirky stuff like fun/funky/clay accessories from bazaars/tiangge/Green Hills, thin rings, GoT episodes, and Adventure Time things! Photos (and website links to local stores) for reference:

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Links:

https://www.facebook.com/istorya.creations
https://www.facebook.com/ichigoshoes
https://www.facebook.com/popjunklove
http://www.kalookies.com/

#irrelevant

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Sometimes I tend to feel like a blip on the radar, a passing instance in people’s lives. On random lonely days I feel like I don’t hold a place of permanent importance in the lives of some people. I do tend to be clingy at times but if only for the fact that I fear being alone. I can’t help myself, I’ve been left by ‘friends’ several times thus far. I just hope that my friends now don’t take offense or aren’t irritated by how I am. Anyway, today’s one if my lonely days and there’s a shortage of conversation so I think I’m going to resort to a good book to take my mind off things and to avoid over thinking. It must be the rain.

Overthoughts.

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Sometimes, the gravity of small things ripples in my head. Thinking, and overthinking, and rethinking. Have I not been a good friend? Did they take offense in something I said? Was it something I did not say? Why wasn’t there a reply for me but one for someone else? Do I know what I’m doing? Is it a petty matter? I guess I’ll never really know, if I just keep thinking to myself.

Hobbits and Barricade Boys, and heartbroken girls

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I’m in the mood to recommend movies at the moment, so I’m going to recommend two that I’ve been watching repeatedly lately. πŸ˜€

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Being a Lord of the Rings fan thanks to my dad, I definitely didn’t want to miss a chance at a return to Middle Earth! And when I did get that chance, this movie did not disappoint. Now before I get into more detail, let me say that I’m not a hardcore fan, am not declaring to be so, and have not read the book. I just didn’t want anyone to think I was raving about it and pretending to be someone who’s been a fan from the start and has read the book. πŸ™‚ ANYWAY! I loved the familiar start, with old Bilbo and Frodo talking. It felt like a welcome home. πŸ˜€ I’m not gonna give away much spoilers save for those in the trailer after this, to spare those who haven’t seen the movie. The dwarves, as seen in the trailer, each have different personalities and stand out in his own way. They are an amusing bunch especially in the opening scenes. My three favorites would have to be Fili and Kili, and Bofur. I don’t think Fili and Kili have to go with an explanation, I’m a girl after all and look at them. HAHA. πŸ˜€ Bofur however was an endearing dwarf with a good sense of humor and a comforting presence. He cared a lot about Bilbo and everyone else and I liked that. He had a big heart. πŸ™‚ There are also other familiar characters like Elrond, Galadriel, and Saruman. Anyway, the movie as a whole was enjoyable for a LOTR fan, and relatable for someone who hasn’t read most of the books.

The Hobbit

Les MisΓ©rables

This movie I just saw yesterday with my best friend/sister Mia and her sister Maryose. It was very emotional, awe-inspiring, and breathtaking for me considering that I didn’t know the story or much about anything else in relation to it before yesterday. Some actors in it like Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe, and Eddie Redmayne, I had no idea could sing so well! They were so good and made their roles come to life so seamlessly to me. All the raw emotion and pain and love were definitely felt. The children in the film were also especially amazing! So talented and so young! The character that moved me the most though was Eponine. Her tale was so tragic and to some extent I could relate. I’d recommend this film to people who have never seen or heard about Les Miserables before but want to, to true fans of Les Miserables (since Mia, a true fan from the start, really enjoyed it!), and to fans of musicals in general. I think they did it justice, even from the perspective of a Les Miserables first-timer. Teehee. πŸ™‚ Oh and btw, if you’re thinking of watching this, have tissue or a handkerchief ready! πŸ˜‰

Les Miserables

Enjoy! πŸ˜€

 

A happy movie-goer,

Lena

 

Update Catch-up #3: Germany & Italy

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Last October, my mom had a lawyer’s meeting set to be in Berlin and was able to take us along with her. She said she wanted to travel with us before she lost the chance to. This was my first time to travel outside of Asia (I’d been to HK as a little girl) and was both excited and nervous.

The first part of the trip had me all panicky, and embarrassingly so. I didn’t like our first meal and I was starving. I think the anxiety and my nerves got to me because even when my dad offered me a sandwich I preferred, my stomach wouldn’t take it. I broke down. Good thing my mom was beside me and helped me calm down! Other than that though, the rest of the trip was good. I got the hang of connecting flights and having to handle meals and everything on planes and airports for several hours before getting to our destination. Dubai‘s airport was large, spacious, and had great pizza in one of their food stalls. We didn’t see much else.

collagedubaiAfter our stop-over in Dubai, our next flight landed in Frankfurt. We were still not at our end destination but at least we were near, and we were in Germany. It gave me jitters knowing I was in Europe!

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The cold and our smoky breath were the first things different from our country that we enjoyed. This time, our ‘flight’ wasn’t really a flight although it was treated in much the same way. We were taking a train to Cologne. It was a fast train and was more affordable compared to an actual flight. The route was pretty scenic too so we enjoyed that ride. When we finally got to Cologne, we were in awe because as soon as you got to the way leading to the exit, you could see the Dom from inside the clear glass. It was amazing. We stayed there for some days, and it rained, and it was cold, but it was beautiful and the food was goood. There were many old, amazing churches. It was also amusing that their taxis were all Mercedes Benzes! The only time I felt bad in Cologne was one night when we were out and it rained. It was freezing!! To make it worse, we were so far from our hotel, but I guess that made me tougher in a way.

SAM_4529From Cologne, we took a plane to Berlin, for the duration of my mom’s conference. It wasn’t as cold there, thankfully, and didn’t rain as much. Our hotel looked real good, and was near the tour bus stops and convenience stores. There were a lot of historical landmarks and beautiful palaces and buildings with intricate detail. The Berlin Wall, Berlin Dom, Victory Tower, and palace of former Queen Sophie Charlotte were the most beautiful to me. I also loved the Buddy Bears that were scattered all throughout the city! We also enjoyed having fresh sandwiches from Kamps and delicious sausages from Currywurst!

Here’s us with the Buddy Bears and my Christmas doodles:

collagebuddybearschristmasI was reluctant to go as we were living so comfortably in Berlin but Italy sounded inviting. Mom said it was their graduation gift to us and a surprise because we didn’t really know about it or were sure about any of that. When we got to Rome, we had an exhausting ride from the airport and to a taxi stop then from there to our hotel which felt like it was millions of miles away! I was getting impatient and annoyed but we got to our hotel in time. Our hotel was comfortable, and our room had a nice view of their garden. The driver of the hotel owner befriended us and gave us tips for our stay. That day, we had our first authentic Italian pizza and also saw the Vatican. In Rome, there were many Filipinos, which made us feel safe in a way. There were mostly stone streets and many paintings and portraits of Mary on almost every corner, which I liked. We heard the Pope speak to an audience, including ourselves, and enjoyed walking around St. Peter’s Basilica. The paintings and all the art there were amazing! Aside from the discomfort of some rain again and the confusing bus schedules, we felt good.

From Rome, we went to Venice. Our only trouble was we exceeded baggage weight and had to buy another suitcase but that didn’t take much time or effort. When we got there, the taxi took us to our hotel, which seemed like it was in the middle of nowhere and so far from civilization. However, we realized it was a good pick because it was right beside the train station which could take us to the main part of Venice. When we got to there, the first thing you’d see outside the train station would be the canal and one of the many beautiful and scenic bridges. It was amazing seeing the canals and the gondolas and the all the scenery there. There were also so many beautiful works of art incuding paintings, masks, and of course the Murano accessories. There were also beautiful people all around (HEHE). The churches there again were amazing and all the detail of all the buildings. The food was real good too.

collageveneziaAll in all, it was an amazing, breathtaking experience and I’m very thankful that we got this opportunity as a family. It gave us the chance to travel, enjoy, learn, and bond together. I would give anything to do it all again, and this time have my sisters along with me. πŸ™‚

Lucky/Blessed,

Lena

 

 

Heavy

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Lately there have been some heavy thoughts on my mind, mostly about how people can be so judgmental. People around me have been judged and compared and assumed about without others actually getting to know them and what they’re capable of and it’s just so unfair. It’s like a disease in today’s society. Just because you look a certain way or come from certain schools doesn’t mean anything until you’ve proven something about who you are. Sometimes I don’t like talking about schools with other people because they tend to judge me because of where I come from, or compare me to themselves. I feel bad sometimes because others deserve certain opportunities as much as I do but they don’t get them just because of how others rank importance of schools. I always end up wishing we both got the same chances. Some tend to talk about me like I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth based solely on my appearance, the school I come from, and how I talk in English sometimes. I feel it’s discriminatory to some extent and get offended when they think I didn’t experience the same things they did like eating street food or watching local television shows. I’m not so different from them, and I’m not rich either. People have to ease up on being so judgmental and assuming so that everyone would feel equal and have the same chances no matter who you are, what school you came from, or how you live your life. Just wanted to put this out there.

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Sigh,

Lena

Jolly folly holly days!

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Today’s Jesus’ birthday and everyone’s alive and well which just proves how silly the end of the world rumor was. :)) Anyways! I hope everyone’s having fun and spreading the joy and happiness Christmas naturally brings! If anyone’s troubled tonight (or rather, this morning hehe) I hope all your troubles are resolved soon. I wish everyone all the best and with that, here are two holiday ‘cards.’ The first one is by request of my mom and the second for fun, both made by me. :>

Merry Christmas everyone! πŸ˜€

Christmas

 

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