Author Archives: elenasaidwhat

About elenasaidwhat

"Some people care too much. I think it’s called love."

But

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Last Wednesday night, my mom and I ended up talking about the possibilities of me dating and how my family would probably take it. It was a hilarious discussion which ended up with her admitting to me that the one time I thought I was hanging out with a guy completely unobserved wasn’t as I thought it was. They watched me from across the street in the car. Of course, it was mostly my dad being his protective self, I am their only daughter after all. My mom was distracting him and giving me more time with the poor guy who apparently noticed them before I ever did! 😅 

This was not the point of this post though. The point is that wasn’t even a date. The point is, I’ve never really been on a date. No one believes this though but the truth is no one’s ever really gone out of their way and said “Hey let’s go on a date.” (Which means I have no idea how I’ll handle it once it actually happens!) I’m not so lonely or desperate but I can’t help but wonder what it’s like, what with most of my batchmates already well into their relationships. Okay, I may be a tad envious. I might feel left behind. Why hasn’t it happened? Why hasn’t anyone picked me? I can’t help but wonder because friends tend to ask me too. I’ve heard “Totoo? Bakit?” (Is that true? Why?) and “Ah, may darating din, ikaw pa.” (Someone will come, it’s not impossible for you!) several times over the getting-to-know-you stages of a friendship. Am I too shy? Too happy? Too goofy? Unapproachable? 

I’m honestly not sure what’s wrong, but me and some people have a few theories. Someone once said my standards may be too high. I personally don’t think so but I do have benchmarks, good friends and relatives who’ve been good (and good-looking) boyfriends. And why not? After all it’s forever I’m after (hehe so cliché!). Another person said it may be my face. I look like I haven’t aged since I turned seventeen. While it’s true that this is an advantage with regard to aging and looks, it doesn’t help when guys think you’re maybe twelve and won’t ask you out. I have been trying to dress and act more mature since. I’ve even been trying makeup. A good friend did tell me though that I’m good the way I am and I shouldn’t have to change. Thank you. ❤️ The third theory is that I’m not allowed to commute alone. How does this relate to the topic? Well, imagine when I actually have a date and it’s time to leave for said date. It’s either I’m fetched (and possibly followed by another family member, or manong driver) or I’m taken to and fetched from the date (by, again, a family member or manong). This is a complication especially if it’s a family member because as a friend pointed out, that would definitely be intimidating! What more if it’s my dad. I imagine the date would start and end on an awkward note. 🙈 

It gets frustrating thinking about this sometimes, but especially when my mom brings on the ‘widen your social circles’ talk. I tend to stick to what’s comfortable and to do that requires doing new things and meeting new people. I’m not exactly a social butterfly but I try. It really just isn’t easy for a homebody/old soul like me. I am hopeful though that this will all work out somehow.

I hope when it does happen, whoever he is will hold me like you do he/I was never missing, or like I am truly precious to him.

Good night, somebody.

How do you lose something you never had?

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I suppose I’ve had to resort to this because there are some things you can’t talk t anyone else about. I don’t even know how to talk about this, so most of this post will probably be just me rambling.

“Wait.. shh..” He touches the wispy curls just above my forehead. This goes on for a few seconds. He smiles. I don’t know what he means by this, by anything.

That’s how I remember it started, whatever it was. I don’t know how recounting this will help, but I need to remember. It’s one of the few feelings I treasure. That was in 2007.

Next month, seven years after, you’re getting married. Like the two I’ve been fond of after you, you’ve chosen someone who has similar skills/interests. I guess that’s my weak spot? Idk. In any case you’ve always seemed happy with her. Guess I lacked a lot? Idk.

“You’ve grown up so much since then, little beach girl.” He grins.

What’s she like? You never introduced us. You’ve also been very dodgy around the time you started dating and I tried to keep up to date and tried to go to gigs despite how different it was to try in college, and while working. You stopped randomly messaging me, you stopped hugging me. You gave good hugs. I’m sure they make her happy.

“Did you read my post on your wall? Did you get it? Hehe.” That toothy grin again. He turns his back to the line of people waiting to have their stuff signed. I felt special.

It was mostly touches you gave. You said nothing to confirm how I thought you felt. You just hugged me, held me, played with my hair. You sang lines from Disney songs and always asked me to come to gigs. You must have meant something, felt something, at least one of those times. I hope.

When did we stop talking so often? Is it because I lacked the time or means to watch you any more? Or is it because you’ve become so engrossed about her?

What hurt most though was when you refused me. Later on you’d just turn away, walk away. I’d try to extend my arms, ready for a hug, like I was always used to but you’d just go. Heh. Loser much is an appropriate expression. I guess I just thought that even when whatever it was was over I’d still have a good friendship with you, with less tight but still there hugs. I expect too much, yes?

“We’re gonna go now. I’m just gonna walk my wife to her car.” He held her hand and walked away. I said goodbye, take care, and kept quiet after. She wasn’t really his wife. Now someone else will be.

The only times you acted like I was special were those times that you stopped being with her, not the current one. The one you knew before her. Was I a rebound girl? Did I just amuse you? Passing fancy? Whatever I was, whatever it was, I don’t regret having had that.

“I’ll see you again next time.. right?” He looked hopeful. Idk if he meant that.

At least you let me feel for awhile the magic she’ll get to have everyday. At least I felt for awhile that I had a fighting chance at being something special for someone so special.

“Well it’s no wonder that your name means beauty, your looks have got no parallel.” He sings, to me. The people around us giggle.

Good bye. 🙂

Midweek Musings

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I have so many favorite love songs, but no one to sing them to. It’s become more and more obvious some days, and it does worry me then. I wonder (and admittedly at times envy) how some people I know have had such luck as to stumble upon such a wonderful person/opportunity, and a beautiful love blossoms out of it. I wonder if I’ll ever be as lucky, having had no one since the beginning of me. I guess it’s not all up to luck though, as many of my kind believe, maybe something/one great will come in time.

I hope you find me soon. I can’t wait.. I think. 🙂

Good night! ✨

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This year’s Christmas wish list!

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For my exchange gift buddies, and for those who just wanna make my Christmas merry (hihi!), here’s my wish list for this year! ♥

I like mostly quirky stuff like fun/funky/clay accessories from bazaars/tiangge/Green Hills, thin rings, GoT episodes, and Adventure Time things! Photos (and website links to local stores) for reference:

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Links:

https://www.facebook.com/istorya.creations
https://www.facebook.com/ichigoshoes
https://www.facebook.com/popjunklove
http://www.kalookies.com/

#irrelevant

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Sometimes I tend to feel like a blip on the radar, a passing instance in people’s lives. On random lonely days I feel like I don’t hold a place of permanent importance in the lives of some people. I do tend to be clingy at times but if only for the fact that I fear being alone. I can’t help myself, I’ve been left by ‘friends’ several times thus far. I just hope that my friends now don’t take offense or aren’t irritated by how I am. Anyway, today’s one if my lonely days and there’s a shortage of conversation so I think I’m going to resort to a good book to take my mind off things and to avoid over thinking. It must be the rain.

Patches & Pieces

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Patches & Pieces

Overthoughts.

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Sometimes, the gravity of small things ripples in my head. Thinking, and overthinking, and rethinking. Have I not been a good friend? Did they take offense in something I said? Was it something I did not say? Why wasn’t there a reply for me but one for someone else? Do I know what I’m doing? Is it a petty matter? I guess I’ll never really know, if I just keep thinking to myself.